Today, I read this very hilarious post about Indianisms

Now, I don’t intend making fun of death or of people dying. But I just want to say that I liked the way Kyla had imagined it in her post – “I get this image of someone walking along the steet, the clock striking a particular time and that person suddenly collapsing. That’s it, he’s expired

At this point, having worked outside India for a few months now, I have slowly begun to understand the way we Indians have developed what I would call “Inglish” (short for ‘Indianised English‘) Over a long period of speaking the Queen’s language, we have created our own vocabulary of English words. And then, armed with our H1B visas & Work-Permits, we go to work in western lands. Here we use this same ‘In-glish’, much to the shock & surprise of the people there.

I had this colleague, Raghu, who often used the phrase “Time-Pass“, which is very common for people in India – or atleast very very commonly used in Mumbai. For example,  “I was walking around the Mall just for time-pass“. Now the phrase is made up of two English words, time & pass. So Raghu thought it would be a commonly used term in U.K.  But that day when he used it in a meeting, he saw a big question mark come across the face of the Yorkshire-born Bob.
Then once we were having a big lunch-event for the entire project team. The project manager, Mark, suddenly points to Raj, and says that there was something he always wanted to ask. He says that the in the mails that Raj sends to the Support-Desk, the last line always was “Please do the needful to resolve this“.
Mark says, “In all my 45 years, I have never heard of the word ‘needful’ being taught in any school in Britain.  Its not even an English word ! Where did you get that word from ?” And then everyone at the table start laughing.

Well, I am sure I also use many such Inglish words. But then I would say its not entirely my fault. Its partly because of what I was taught at school. And partly due to my laziness to perfect the language.

And then, I would like to add here, every place & every country adds its own flavour to the English language.  Like the South African sitting in the next cubicle always says “Here in the US, everything about English is mixed up. They call a sport Soccer, when all over the world its called Football. And then, they call another sport Football, even though its hardly played with the foot !

Hmmmm … have you, at any time, knowingly or unknowingly, used any In-glish phrases ? Or, have you been at the receiving end of any In-glish ?

Operator : Thank you for calling Blog-aholics Anonymous. This is Farrah, How may I help you today ?

Hello, I am Simran Malhotra. I am calling about my husband.

Operator : Yes, ma’am. Please tell me what is the problem you are facing ?

I first met Raj in 1995. He said “Come, Fall in Love” … and I fell for him.
After all those lovely duets we sang in the Chopra-esque Swiss Alps, and after my Gatorade sponsored sprint, to board an Indian Railways train, me & Raj eventually got married. We came back to live in London. Ours was a “happily-lived-ever-after” kind of life, the kind you see at the end of most Bollywood movies.

Operator : Yes. Everything seems perfect. Then … ?

Everything was fine … until Raj started this ‘anonymous’ blog – and eventually became obsessed with it. Since then, he has forgotten me – his wife. And he does not care about our 3 children – Poggo, Disnii & Nicky.

Now, all he thinks 24×7 is for posting about anything & everything under the sun. Instead of thinking about how poor Poggo is faring badly in his Physics class, Raj is busy writing a post about his old crush for his Class XI Physics teacher.

Operator : Ma’am, to start with, are you 100% sure that your husband’s blog is an anonymous one ? Because, we allow only bloggers who have an anonymous-blog to join our group, and avail the facilities.

Yes, I am sure. He blogs under the username – “srk_raj”. And the url for his blog is “******-dot-********-dot-com” (* — URL not disclosed here to prevent hacker attacks and hatred-comments)
Nobody knows that this is his blog, not even Sheena, my friend from Europe. In fact I came to know about this blog only a year after he had started.

Operator : Ok, let me quickly verify the blog. Meanwhile, you can continue. Give me further details. When did you feel that the situation has gone out of control ?

Well, yesterday we were talking about some of the trash movies that get released these days. I asked him about his fav movies from his college days. He did not say anything. He just gave me the URL for his post about his favourite movies.

And then, today morning Karran.J called to ask him his address – to send over a few DVDs. Raj gave him his Blog URL – because that is all he thinks about all the time !!!

He may forget to brush his teeth on some days – actually almost every day, but he will not sleep without having atleast made 2 posts on his blog daily

Operator : Ma’ am, this certainly is very serious. He needs to be immediately put in the ‘Internet-less Care Unit’ (I.C.U) and his “de-blog-ication” treatment has to be started. Give me your address, and I will send over the blog-ulance to your home right now !!!

There are various stories about how the  great scientist Sir Isaac Newton came up with the theory about ‘the laws of gravity’. Most of these stories revolve around an apple falling from a tree. People have various versions of the story — about when did the apple fall ? from which particular tree did it fall ? did it or did it not fall on Newton’s head ?

The scientific minded intellectuals are more interested in possible questions that the apple raised in Newton’s mind – ” Why should that apple always descend perpendicularly to the ground ? Why should it not go sideways or upwards, but constantly to the earth’s centre ? ”

Now just think about a slight & funny change in location here – what if Newton was not in England, but in Kerala or Goa on that particular day.  First, the probability would be very high that he would have seen a coconut falling and not an apple. And then, given the number of coconut trees around, it would have been very likely that as he sat there, thinking of the many things going around in his intelligent head, the coconut would have landed on that very head !

The result might have been something very very different. Maybe the world today would have heard & read more about how amnesia caused by a freak accident robbed the world of a great scientist.

Or, like my young neighbour of many years ago, Bittu, had asked his 7th standard Science teacher – “So, if Isaac Newton had not found “gravity”, would that have meant us living in a world where nothing falls down ?

P.S. Writing about apples reminds me about the “HPMC – Apple Juice Stall” on Platform no. 1 at Bombay V.T station (or Mumbai C.S.T – to be politically correct). Wonder if the stall is still there ?  That was the place which introduced me to the sweet world of apple-juice, during my school-days … and I have remained addicted since then.